Tips to successful relationship
Tell your partner you love them
. Although its true that actions speak louder than words, words often speak more clearly than actions. Take a moment every now and then to verbalize your feelings for your partner. A simple I love you or You mean the world to me can go a long way towards making your significant other feel wanted, cared for, and secure in your relationship.
Show some affection
. Small acts of physical intimacy the hand on the small of the back as you brush by in the hallway, your arm around their shoulder on the sofa, your hand on their thigh when seated side by side, holding hands while walking down the street give your partner a warm feeling and convey the love and affection you feel for them. The littlest touch can be as important, or even more important, than the longest night of sexual intimacy.
Show appreciation for your partner
. Let your partner know on a regular basis what it is that you like most about them what you admire, what makes you proud, what their strengths are in your eyes. Building a romantic relationship isnt jsut about the initial bonding its about encouraging and supporting each others growth over the course of your lives. Help your partner achieve his or her potential by constantly building them up.
. Dont keep your likes and dislikes, dreams and fears, achievements and mistakes, or anything else to yourself. If its important to you, share it with your partner. More than that, be sure to share more with your partner than you do with anyone else. While there is certainly a need for some personal space in even the closest relationship, give as much of yourself and your time as you can bear to your partner.
Be there for your partner
. Its obvious what you need to do when your partner faces a major life challenge like the loss of a job or the death of a loved one. But its just as important to be supportive when your partner faces lifes little challenges, too an argument at work, a rough commute, a misplaced check. Dont let yourself be a doormat, and definitely dont stand for physical or verbal abuse, but thicken your skin a little and be the voice of calm and reason when chaos strikes. Listen to whats bothering them and offer whatever help even if its just sympathy you can.
. Take advantages of opportunities to give material tokens of your love. Just the right book picked up at the bookstore, a special dessert, a piece of jewelry or clothing you noticed at the store anything small or large that tells them you were thinking of them. Leave a love note for them, or send them an SMS at work to I love you again, the little reminder that theyre always on your mind will help your partner feel better about themselves and secure in your relationship.
Respond gracefully to your partners
. A big killer of relationships is unreasonable expectations. Unless you married a robot, your partner comes pre loaded with a whole range of human failures and foibles. These are features, not bugs! Learn to recognize and appreciate your partners quirks for what they are: an essential part of who they are as people. Since our weaknesses are often at the core of our deepest insecurities, make sure you dont pick on or otherwise go out of your way to highlight your partners flaws.
Make alone time a priority
. No matter how busy both of your lives are, make sure you commit at least an evening every week or two to be alone together. Have new experiences, share your stories, and just generally enjoy each others company.
Take nothing for granted
. Cultivate a daily sense of gratitude for your partner and the thousands of little blessings he or she has brought into your life. Remember that, if youre happy in your relationship, your partner is doing a thousand little things for you every day to make your relationship work as, hopefully, you are for them . Never take that for granted a relationship is work of the highest order, and the second you stop it starts to slide away.
Strive for equality
. Make sure you follow the Golden Rule in your relationship: do unto your partner as you would have done unto you. Strive for a fair division of household duties and other tasks, and dont expect or demand special considerations youd be unwilling to offer in return.
Talk to each other
. Just because you love each other doesnt mean you will be able to communicate well or can read your partners mind, or that they can read yours. Communicate your needs dont wait for your partner to try to guess what is going on with you.
Listen to each other
. Often we are so busy defending ourselves that we dont hear what our partner is saying. Let your partner know that you have heard them before you give them your response.
Make repair attempts
. If your attempts to talk about an issue dont go as planned, try not to let the situation become even more negative such as not talking for extended periods or ignoring the other persons attempts . Saying sorry or touching your partner in a caring manner shows you care, even though you disagree.
Spend time together
. Make your relationship a priority and make time for each other, even if you have to book it in. Regular deposits in your relationship bank account will help protect your relationship.
Everyone is different
. Accept and value differences in others, including your partner. We often choose people who have qualities and abilities we would like more of. This is one of the reasons why our relationships offer us significant opportunities to grow and develop as people. Remind yourself of this.
. Set goals for your relationship and plan for your future. This shows that you are both in the relationship for the long term.
. Try not to judge, criticise or blame each other; we are all human. Remind yourself that you are a team, and in order for the team to be successful, you each have to cheer the other on.
Learn from arguments
. Accept that arguments will happen and try to resolve them with respect. The strongest predictor of divorce is contempt, which is any action whereby your partner feels put down by you, whether it is the tone of your voice or what you say. Often in arguments, we become overwhelmed and this can often lead to behaviours that harm our relationship.
. Have fun and celebrate your life together. Rituals can enhance your relationship. Its also important to try new things as a couple. Doing fun activities together is very important, as often deep and meaningfuls about couple issues can turn into disagreements which leave you both feeling worse, not better. Fun activities are like glue.
. Ensure that each of you feels that your opinion counts. Research shows that relationships where the female partner feels that she can influence her partner are the most successful.
Fights ruin relationships
. In actuality, what ruins relationships is not resolving your fights, Blum said. Fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and clearing the air.
Also, the type of fight a couple has plays a role. Not surprisingly, nasty, scornful or condescending fights that leave couples resolution less and not talking for days damage the relationship. Productive conflicts that help the relationship end with some mutual decision about how to manage this disagreement, Blum said. Here s help on improving your communication and becoming a better listen and speaker.
. Relationships are about not only taking, but also giving. If you find yourself not giving very much, or feeling resentful of how much you give and how little you receive back, you may be in an unequal relationship where one side is taking more than they are giving.
For instance, couples sometimes mistakenly believe that love will help them deal with any issue that comes up, and that if the other person truly loved you, they would just do as you ask. But people are independent with their own unique needs and personalities. Just because we found someone we want to spend our lives with doesnt mean we give up our own identity in the process.
. Relationships live and die not by the sword, but by the amount of discussion. If two people cant find a way to openly and honestly communicate their needs and feelings to one another, the relationship doesnt stand much of a chance long term. Couples must find a way to communicate regularly, openly, and directly.
This doesnt mean waiting for an argument to tell your significant other how much he bothers you with his throwing his clothes on the floor instead of the hamper. It means telling him when you feel the need to, and to do so in a manner that is respectful but assertive.
Choose Your Battles Carefully
. After marriage or when two people move in together, couples tend to discover pretty much the same thing no matter who they are that they are two different people and living together is harder than anyone ever told them. Love conquers a lot of things, but it is no match for living day in and day out with another human being especially if youve spent years on your own .
Prepare yourself for this challenge by choosing what arguments you want to turn into a full blown battle. For instance, do you really want to start a fight over the toothpaste cap or how clean the shower is? Or would you rather reserve your energy for the discussions over finances, kids, and career paths you know, the things that might really matter to a person . Too many couples fight and bicker over the dumbest things, especially when put into context of issues of true importance.
Dont Hide Your Needs
. Sometimes when we enter into a long term relationship, we put ourselves second, behind the other persons needs and desires. We might give up working to have a child, or agree to move to another city to help support our significant others career. And thats fine, but you need to be realistic first with yourself about whether such things really matter to you or not. If they do, you need to find a way to communicate such needs with your partner, and compromise where possible.
The importance of trust and honesty
. Different people have different areas of concern, but almost everyone values trust and honesty from their partner above all. Why? Because your partner is the one person you want to be able to depend upon in the long term, without question or doubt.
Little things where your significant other hasnt been completely honest shouldnt be blown out of proportion, because virtually everybody tells little white lies especially when one is dating . Focus instead on the big things, like if they say theyre a lawyer and you discover theyve never even passed the bar, or they say they like kids but later on insist on never having one.
. Attain this through quality time spent with your significant other. Be an active listener and pay close attention to their behavior. Try to be sensitive to their emotions and moods as they fluctuate.
. An equal partnership shares the load and has two people in roles of accountability for the sake of the greater good. Strive to help each other bear the burdens of everyday life through discussion of what your needs are.
. This is the key to any successful relationship when it is built on a foundation of mutual trust, honesty and respect. Encourage your partner to be open with you and demonstrate how supportive you can be. Praise and compliment your mate on a regular basis and show your affection. Never take your significant other for granted.
. Remember that most major decisions in a relationship come under the domain of two individuals and as such, deserve the consideration of both people. Avoid that selfish gut instinct, and empower and involve your partner in crucial decisions.
. How do you resolve conflict and tension in your relationship? Do you go on the defensive and refuse to admit you re wrong or do you give in to avoid a long and painful argument? There is a proper way to deal with conflict and it begins with recognition that you are both on the same side the side of the relationship. Do not fight to win. Rather, fight to learn from each other and of course, strive to nip conflicts in the bud before they escalate.
. Avoid a routine of ambivalence in order to keep the romance and physical attraction alive. Foster spontaneity and try not to let the serious facts of life stifle your youthful and playful side. Remember that the little touches go a long way in keeping a relationship fresh.
. Attraction grows through demonstrations of affection, so make an effort to hug, squeeze and caress your partner on a regular basis. Tell them how much you care for them and be that unconditional love partner they need. A soft peck on the cheek can work wonders when someone has had a rough day!
. The key to romance is mystery, spontaneity, and effort without expectations. Keep the relationship fun and new with occasional weekend trips, quiet candlelit dinners at home or whatever keeps the sparks alive.
Staying involved with each other
. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.
Getting through conflict
. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right.
Keeping outside relationships
. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Nonverbal cues body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someones arm are critical to communication.
Ask for what you want
. Over time, we assume that our partner knows us so well that we dont need to ask for what we want. What happens when we make this assumption? Expectations are set and just as quickly, they get deflated. Those unmet expectations can leave us questioning the viability of our partnership and connection. Keep in mind that asking for what you want extends to everything from emotional to sexual wants.
Become an expert on your partner
. Think about who your mate really is and what excites him or her both physically and emotionally . We can become consumed by what WE THINK he/she wants, as opposed to tuning in to what truly resonates with the other person. Remember that if its important to your partner, it doesnt have to make sense to you. You just have to do it.
Dont ask how was your day
. At the end of a long day, we tend to mentally check out of our lives and consequently, our relationship. We rely on the standard question, How was your day? Generally, that boring question will yield a boring answer such as, Fine, how was yours? This does nothing to improve your connection and instead, can actually damage it because you re losing the opportunity to regularly connect in a small way.
Keep it sexy
. What might change in your relationship if both you and your partner committed to increasing the behaviors you each find sexy and limiting those that arent? Think about this in the broadest form. Sexy can certainly refer to bedroom preferences, but it also represents what excites us about our mate in our day to day lives. Do you find it sexy if he/she helps with the housework? Do you find it unsexy when he/she uses the restroom with the door wide open? Talk about what it specifically means to keep it sexy in your relationship. Be amazed, be humored, be inspired.
Get it on
. Unless you have committed to an asexual partnership, sex, sexual contact and touching kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc. are vital components of a romantic relationship. The frequency is of course, up to you and it s imperative that you discuss your ideas about it in order to prevent resentment. Rare are the moments when both partners are in the mood at the exact same second, but that doesnt mean that you have to decline their advances. Remind yourself that you will almost always get there after the first few minutes and that an intimate interaction of any kind builds connection and elevates your mood and health. Bear in mind that you are never required to say yes. If you truly dont feel it, the best thing you can do is to postpone. Just make sure that you initiate or accept within a reasonable amount of time thereafter.
Seek to understand
. Easy in concept, difficult in application. Conversations quickly turn to arguments when we re invested in hearing our partner admit that we were right or when we are intent on changing his/her opinion. Choose to approach a conversation as an opportunity to understand your significant others perspective as opposed to waiting for them to concede. From this perspective, we have an interesting dialogue and prevent a blow out or lingering frustration.
Make your apology count
. Its well understood that apologizing is a good thing but it only makes a real impact when you mean it. Saying things like Im sorry you feel that way or Im sorry you see it that way are a waste of time and breath. Even if you dont agree that your action was wrong, you will never successfully argue a feeling.
Develop Self Awareness
. Developing self awareness means getting to know and understand what drives you to react and behave the ways you do in your relationship. It means understanding the needs and fears, messages, unrealistic expectations and fantasies which drive you to react and behave the way you do and the price you pay for it. It means realizing the ways in which you might harm your relationship, learning how to stop it from happening and becoming empowered to cultivate a successful intimacy.
Be each others best friend
. One of the first questions I often ask the couples I work with is, Who is your best friend? If they answer that they are each others best friends, I know that there is a foundation upon which to repair their relationship.
If, on the other hand, the couple tells me that they dont think of each other as friends at all, I know I have my work cut out for me. A best friend is someone you feel safe with, someone you trust with the good, the bad and the ugly of who you are, someone who knows you inside and out and who accepts you nonetheless.
A best friend is someone who has your back in life and whose back you have someone you can really, truly count on. A best friend is someone you just plain like spending time with because you feel fond of that person and that persons very presence makes you feel happy. A best friend is someone who will hang in there with you and work through problems.
Most of all, a best friend is someone you admire and respect and whose presence you feel blessed by in life. Couples who feel this way about each other tend to be successful. Couples who dont may be missing the most important cornerstone of a happy marriage.
Recognize and admit
. Ever at the lips of a happy couple are the words, I could be wrong. It takes character to take a look at your position in a conflict and acknowledge that you need to adjust your perception or attitude. Not everybody can do it, but it is essential to good problem solving. And good problem solving is part of what makes a good marriage.
Word of mouth marketing
. Many businesses will tell you that they get almost all of their business through referrals. These referrals can come from friends, family, and satisfied customers. Its a free, unbiased, and extremely effective way to promote your work and generate more business.
. The same philosophy applies to people looking for a job. When I was in the job search process, I discovered an interesting statistic: Almost 90% of people look for jobs only by looking at ads, but thats where only 10% of available jobs exist. At least 30% come from referrals. The more you focus on your network and relationships, the better connected to opportunities youll be.
Focus on giving
. Similarly, many people want to build relationships so that they can have someone to help them out when they need it. Try to have a less Machiavellian attitude. Always think about how you can help people in your network. Theyre far more likely to return a favor than they are to go out of their way for you, especially early in your relationship.
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